Flying Skydicks with Alex

by Bryan with a "Y" Thursday, July 27, 2017 9:01 PM

There I was, eagerly awaiting Foreflight to finish downloading to my tablet.

20%... 50%... 80%... 100% !!!

Like a kid on (politically correct holy day of your choice), I started thumbing through the application looking at all the new features and that's when I saw the life changing feature that I had only ever seen before in Cloud Ahoy before they started charging money.

That's right,  flight tracking!!! I had the same thought every other pilot had when they discovered this feature... "How soon can I fly a giant sky-wang over North Texas?"

First thing's first. Grab a buddy. Not that there is anything wrong with it but flying a 200 mile phallus in the bravo airspace alone is a little um.. Well it's sort of sad.

This is where my friend Alex comes in. I posted in one of the most respectable online forums seeking a right seat partner to help me test my GPS (Geosynchronous Penis Sketch) flight and Alex was all over it. Now in a massive stroke of luck Alex as it turns out, is a CFI. This in hindsight is key as it adds a lot more legitimacy to a flight such as this. Not only do 2 people agree this is a good flight but one is a professional.


In hindsight, if you and a buddy are going to make a flight like this, it is a really good idea to discuss all the details first. We just took off and headed west without any discussion or diagrams on sectionals.

So we are flying along straight out when this conversation takes place:

Alex: So um do you think we should start our turn yet?

Me: Ha! That's a good joke son.

Alex: Yeah, I was totally kidding. I mean if you did want to start your turn there, it would just be to save some fuel. I personally totally think we have a long way to go before we should make what I consider to be an anatomically correct turn.

Me: Oh yeah, I suspect we will be half way past the California border before we start the turn. I mean unless you have to be somewhere. If you do, we could go ahead and turn as long as we both agree that it is way premature to finish just now.

Alex: Oh of course, this is totally not to scale. We couldn't afford that much avgas and the engine would be at TBO before we got to that point.

Me: Ok, then what I hear you saying is you want to go ahead and make  u-turn.

Alex: Not that I want to, its just less wear and tare on the plane.

We begin a turn south and start to head back the direction we came all the while joking that we were spending a couple hundred bucks to fly a giant sky crank and this is totally why the terrorists hate us.

Now another important thing to consider is agreeing upon what you each imagine this should be before the flight as 2 pilots may have completely different ideas in mind. We had departed KDTO and headed due west for just enough miles to get the point across but in no way a realistic distance. Then we made a circle around AFW and I headed back to DTO to land.

That's when Alex springs on me: "so are flying around DTO to make the other nut?"

Wait what??? I asked.

"This is a profile photo" I exclaimed.

Alex responded "No, this is totally a top down shot"

Alex: "I've got the flight controls"

Me: "NO! My airplane"

Alex: "This is insanity! its too short, the tip is the wrong shape, and now you are Lance Armstronging this work of art and it is all disfigured and weird."

Me: "Look, I know what I am doing, this is perfect except for the obvious inaccurate dimensions which as we agreed earlier is totally due to the cost of fuel and other factors unrelated to our actual perception of things in real life"

Alex: Oh yeah, I totally agree to that part.

Me: Let's just land and call it a day and next time we can rent a jet and do this the proper way.

That is pretty much how we left it. Alex has since gone off to fly commercial, working his way up to the big iron for the sole purpose of recreating a proper Skydong once he gets his hands on a plane properly equipped to achieve a realistic representation of a work of art not cut short totally due to conserving fuel, being short on time and no other factors at all.


In the meantime, This is the actual flight path (embarrassing as it is) we took that day.

Thanks Buddy! Hurry up and get us a proper aircraft. This is humiliating.




Log it like you stole it!

by Bryan with a "Y" Wednesday, July 12, 2017 11:42 AM

Not that I am going to but...

Let's say you are a pilot and you have been drinking.

I'd wager that more than 75% of pilots are currently drinking so it's a safe premise.

You tell your buddies you are going flying and do they want to come?

They (also drunk) are like "Hell yeah dude!"

You go to the airport which is a 2 hour drive away but you brought roadies along because we are not here to half-ass anything.

You and your 3 friends climb up on the wing of your plane.
A little fumbling and you realize "Oh hell, this is a high wing, we're doing it wrong."

"Everyone off the wings!" you yell.

At this point you realize you have forgotten the keys to the plane. But never-mind that, your buddy just walked into the back of the wing and cut his forehead.

You have to get him to the hospital and quick and not "high wing with no keys" quick.

You notice some idiot has left the keys in his A36 and he left the engine running. Nevermind... There is a guy inside. You think maybe it is just a guy going flying. Skip it.

Look around and see a skymaster sitting there and you remember that scene from M.A.S.H. that didn't make it into the series but wound up on the remastered collector's DVD edition your sister got you for your birthday. It was the scene where Clinger taught everyone how to hotwire a Cessna skymaster.

Even here in the moment with your buddy bleeding out, you still cannot believe they cut that scene out.

So you climb in and have no idea which way to face when you yell "clear prop" and at the same time you are a little stoned and you and your buddies get stuck on a conversation about how cool it would be to have a plane with actual clear props because it wouldn't distort on the GoPro video (someone get on that by the way).

You start to taxi, get to the run-up area and have a beer. You look over at your dying buddy and realize that his head was not actually bleeding at all. It was just that acid you dropped before hitting the road. Everything you look at is bleeding now but at least you are aware it is not happening for real and your friend in the front seat who has now turned into a small bear nods affirmingly (new word).

"Let's fly mother effers!!!" you scream and push the throttles to the firewall. It is at that moment that you realize you are the only one in the plane. There never were any other friends, just you and your Booze, Acid, Weed, and 2 quaaludes.

Unfortunately by the time you realize this you are already airborne.

After some quick thinking, you drop another hit of acid.

"Welcome back Boys!" you scream "We're going to Vegas!"

You fly 3 hours direct from I don't know where because I haven't researched how fast a Skymaster goes but just stick with me.

So 3 hours and you throw up on yourself several times. Just as you are about to land you start to realize what you have done. You call flight following and a giant hamster answers clearing you back to your field direct.

You fly back and have a long conversation with that kid from dif'frent strokes. Not Gary Coleman. Don't be stupid. he is dead. I am talking about that kid Sam from when it jumped the shark.

At one point Sam actually turns into a shark... named Gary Coleman ironically. It doesn't bother you because when you ask if he is going to eat you he just says "Whatchu talkin about Willis" (still in Sam's voice which is unnerving) but you are somehow very calm.

You see your field in sight and ask the controller for frequency change only there was never a controller, you were on the cell phone with your mom who is nice enough to have you squawk VFR and terminates flight following for you. She has always gone above and beyond.

You make a fairly normal landing and taxi the Skymaster into a giant apple shaped like Ricky Schroeder and turn off the engines.

Ya get out and walk back to your car. You are alone and it is after dark and the field is silent. You drive back home and curl up and fall asleep in your bath tub.

So question is, Can you log those hours?
I get that it would be unethical but legal? :dunno:





Tags: , ,